inside my head.

You revisit my dreams constantly.
Each visit more impacting than the last.
I'm stuck on you.
The lost and drained feeling I feel when you leave me
When the dew of the morning approaches
You leave me.
Your presence is more powerful than the last
The hole in my heart grows bigger every time I wake up
Realizing that you're gone
The desire for you only grows
I guess I can only love you from inside my head.

Please watch. I think this has need to be said for years and years.

Normally I would have written this down when sharing on here but I felt this would be better. Please share it :]

The Lost Art of Respecting Boundaries. [hopefully it will be found]

The fact that people as whole have lost of sense of boundaries baffles me. I was not raised to be nosey and not accepting of one's life decision because I don't happen to agree with it. I was taught to mind my own business. Spend more time focusing on myself and my flaws as a human and less on others and theirs. The glorification of sights like TMZ and Media Takeout has got us thinking that it is okay to apply this downright nosiness to our own lives. What sad is people have stopped teaching their children fundamentals of boundaries which in turn has left them without the necessary knowledge of tact. They have taught them to disguise this behavior as genuine concern because we are friends. If my friend does not want to disclose something is not any of my business anyway who am I to get mad? Who am I to be upset and pitch a fit about their life decisions? This is not my child that I am trying to train up in the way they should go. This is my friend. And when they are ready they will come to me and seek comfort or advice or both. Every detail of their life is not necessary for my daily knowledge. Every decision they make should not be under my scrutiny. There are questions that are off limits. And if I decide to tell you my "truths" they deserves full disclosure. When did it come acceptable for people to feel entitle to know every waking detail of another person's life. I am completely in awe of this new widely accepted notion because it is wrong. Boundaries are meant to be respected. Privacy is an inalienable right that should not be disregarded. It is sad that people have forgotten the true meaning of minding their business. And because that have forgotten they are not teaching the generations to come which mean that the children of our future are royally fucked.

10.25.2011

Love is a powerful thing. So powerful it can be overwelming. Whether it is a love for a friend or a significant other it is one of those things hard to let go once it is there. It may be a thin line between love and hate but that line may be long and strong. I've times wondered because the only way I know how to love anyone is hard and strong that it's a weakness. A parasite preying on the inner walls of my heart. Because I love so hard I am constantly hurt and let down by people who I have given my unconditional love to. It has gotten to a point where I refuse to let myself develop new friendships and new potential love interest. I feel damaged like a wrecking ball have broken my ability to want to feel the undeniable power of unconditional love. I have never wanted to close myself up but now I can't help it. I keep new people out and even other ppl that I have grown to love at a new found distance. I am walking in a new found terriorty that I am not used to. A coldness I am not welcoming but it has over taken my ability to fight it. I wonder am I alone in this feeling? Am I the only one dealing with this? This closed feeling. It's almost as overwelming as this love and the pain cause with the people that come with it. Maybe the key to true forgiveness is the forgetting part because with the memories you can experience the pain of the situation all over again. God isn't through with me yet and this revelation that I had compelled me to share. Leave your thought if you want.

Done

I don't want to be a cold person
but this freezer you have pushed me in
is building its ice prison around my heart
there used to be a comfortable silence between us
now nothing is comfortable about you
the burning sensation of loosing feeling in my heart keeps getting stronger
the numbest of life is stifling my thought process
depression is my friend
and happiness is my enemy
look what you've done to me
I've lost the key to lock on your prison already
my apologies to the next
my capability for love has an error
the spy wear is yet to fix it.
I hope you don't want much from me
The gifts I gave used to be so infinite
are scarce of the greediness of other people
and I am done.
I am closed.

A LETTER TO M.R.C.

My life is not a revolving door. You cannot choose when you want to be there. You either riding with me until the wheels fall off or you're not. This relationship we have with each other is a sickness. It's unhealthy because all you do is take and all I do is give. What happens when I have nothing left to give? What will you do then? I know that at times I must experience pain but must it be by your hand this time. Why do you keep pulling me closer as I try to push you away? I realize we will always be connected but that doesn't mean you get to overstep your boundaries. I will always love you and you take advantage of that. Does it give you power to break me down? You've cut me to do deep this time I am about to bleed out. But you won't save me because I think you enjoy this. This is a game to you? Is this funny to you? I bet you're laughing it up right now. You play with my emotions by saying you realize what you had in me but you treat me the same.... I am lost. Is this how this is supposed to be? You cut me down and I constantly pick myself up by myself. Where is my antibiotic to combat the drug you release into my system with every encounter? My immune systems is broken down. How many pieces will you break my heart into? How many times am I supposed to get over it? How do you love me when all you take pleasure in is finding new ways hurt me? You haunt me with every memory. You keep resurrecting the ghost of my past that I have laid to rest. I will forever be effected by the things you do. Just relinquish your power and..... Let me go.

Inside

increments of time past
i wonder if you're inside yet
i don't feel you
i want to though 
i want you so close
i can hear your heartbeat
feel the intensity in your thoughts
that sweet silence
oh the comfort i feel from that
where all the communications
is through the beautiful language of our bodies
without touching
yet you feel me
and how i feel you
there is a music to this silence
the romanticism is quite strange
but its the norm for us
the creation of this new language only we share
its special
its renders me speechless
and when i cannot express myself to you
it renders me breatheless
enter the gates of my mind
i've made a home for you there is you want it.
the very depths of my heart is your new special place
do you want it
it wants you
I WANT YOU

Traveling Through the Pain of WORDS

I don't think anyone realized how much hurt they can cause a person just by the things they say. My mother always me that words only hurt because we give them power. This saying may be true when it comes to bullying by random characters in your life who have never gotten to know you and they aren't trying to either. This may be also true when it comes to your arch nemesis I mean really do you actually care about what they have to say. I don't. I guess that is why I have never had a problem with those types of situations. Which this blog by no means is about bullying. Bullying was just example. Anyway I am starting to believe that my mother was wrong. Words only hurt coming from the people that you give power to. When I say give power it means coming from the person you love. You'll never forget the hurt and the pain caused just by their words. The tone of their voice. The callousness of the phrases. And even when they apology is there they can never get that just right to take away the pain they caused by what came out of their mouth before. We are all guilty of this at one point and time or another. Some of us forgive but the forgetting part is the hard part. Its almost like we have to repress it and go on as if the pain never existed. But you know what hurts more than words.... Is the silence the silence of after everything has happened and all you do is have time to replay the last interaction with that person over and over in your head. Its funny because when that person comes around wanting to talk to you again apart of you is happy but the pain is still there. So do you act like nothing ever happen and get back on speaking terms. Or do you tell them how bad they hurt you and work towards trying to fix it. A lot of people choose not to let that other person have the satisfaction... But who has satisfaction after hurting someone they deeply cared about. It cuts like a knife in your soul when you realized that you've caused someone who you felt was worthy enough to be in your life pain. So what do you do to stop this from happening? Do strip them of their power or do you work on your communication issues?

lies

you lied
but time after time
i still put my faith in you
like a child who patiently
waits for the part time father in their life
i waited for you
i waited for you to see me
i waited for you to be honest with me
that day never came
so when i gave up
thats when you decided to care
decided to consider my feelings
but in the end you still lied
that blind trust
that undeniable faith
was destroyed
and you only have yourself to blame.

9.22.2011

Its at the oddest times when I get this undenial urge to write. The constant thoughts that replay in my mind drum so that I have to get it out and express it some way. Yesterday I got so heated about what people were saying when it came into things dealing with Troy Davis that I wasn't rational in all of my comments. What upset me was besides the fact that this potentionally innocent man lost his life but the attacks on our president that were unnecessary. I feel that some blacks feel that because he is black that he is supposed to look out only for us and not of the other citizens of America. And that is selfish. He is the president of United States of America not just black America. Troy Davis was killed by the STATE OF GEORGIA not America. There are laws that prevents the federal government in interfering with state issues. If Obama had of interfered it would have done more harm than good. Being the dynamic of situation it should teach people that is important to vote. To elect governors that have some stread of morality. Demand something different from your STATE government. Because the State laws effect you way more than the Federal laws. It was a tragedy what happened to Troy. And I pray for his family and his soul. But I was reminded by someone today that I was not the only one hurt of effected by this injustice the entire country was.

A letter to you Reader

I want to thank whoever is reading for taking time our of their day to read anything I may post on here. I hope at days I make you laugh, think, maybe even cry. I hope that I can inspire you in some way but even if I don't I doing this as much for you I am for myself. No subject is off limits to me. Whatever I feel compelled to write about I will. This my blog but I do so hope you the reader enjoys it.