Shattered Bliss [4/20]

I look into the depths of my soul as I wonder exactly what sorrow I have discovered. The world has a way of throwing a person head first and body limp into the more earth shattering of "truths". The "truths" that in the wide scope of things were more than likely best left unsaid. It is crazy that in all honesty I rather not have concrete evidence that at times you may fantasize about another woman because at times I find myself fantasizing about another man? Is the real reason I would be hurt by the actual proof is because now as a woman I have to face it. I've come face to face with your real live fantasy and that in itself hurts because as a woman I know have to compare myself to every aspect of her. Is it weird that although I know physical actions didn't happen that the very thought of this person, this woman on your mind makes me sick to my stomach because she was made a reality? I don't believe it is. I witnessed this feeling and although it wasn't my personal situation I could relate. I could sense the hurt, pain, and humiliation. I honestly felt bad. What made me feel worse is that it was another black woman tearing down another black woman just because she wasn't getting her way. As a woman I am already at a disadvantage but as a black woman I feel like there are no breaks in life for me. I associated with the most negative and callus of women just because society doesn't know to portray us as anything better. I'm characterized as a bitter black women before I even have a chance to open mouth, shallow and uneducated before I can take a solid breathe all because a few of us decide to keep permeating the stereotypes that will forever hold us back because we all it. It is sad that as a black woman to be seen as strong means angry instead of the enduring peacefulness that was demonstrated by women such as Coretta Scott King, Michelle Obama, and many other positive black women in the public eye. It is sad that the young black girls of my generation look up to women like Kat Stacks, Evelyn Lozada, and other women of color in the media who demonstrates how not to act. When have little girls getting video taped and brutally assaulting one another like it's ok. Young women barely out of middle school making sex tapes. Girls considering themselves the perfect "wifey" material because they can roll a blunt and some fool still on similac told them that their sex game was spectacular. Yet we as black women do nothing but bicker and backlash but wonder why the men in our own race degrade us. And in no way am I justifying the degradation coming on their part but can I really blame them? They are only doing what we allow them to do. What we as black women have told them is acceptable and that saddens me. I'll continue to pray for us because something has got give. I have been body rocked out my ignorant bliss. Yours will be coming soon. 

inside my head.

You revisit my dreams constantly.
Each visit more impacting than the last.
I'm stuck on you.
The lost and drained feeling I feel when you leave me
When the dew of the morning approaches
You leave me.
Your presence is more powerful than the last
The hole in my heart grows bigger every time I wake up
Realizing that you're gone
The desire for you only grows
I guess I can only love you from inside my head.

Please watch. I think this has need to be said for years and years.

Normally I would have written this down when sharing on here but I felt this would be better. Please share it :]

The Lost Art of Respecting Boundaries. [hopefully it will be found]

The fact that people as whole have lost of sense of boundaries baffles me. I was not raised to be nosey and not accepting of one's life decision because I don't happen to agree with it. I was taught to mind my own business. Spend more time focusing on myself and my flaws as a human and less on others and theirs. The glorification of sights like TMZ and Media Takeout has got us thinking that it is okay to apply this downright nosiness to our own lives. What sad is people have stopped teaching their children fundamentals of boundaries which in turn has left them without the necessary knowledge of tact. They have taught them to disguise this behavior as genuine concern because we are friends. If my friend does not want to disclose something is not any of my business anyway who am I to get mad? Who am I to be upset and pitch a fit about their life decisions? This is not my child that I am trying to train up in the way they should go. This is my friend. And when they are ready they will come to me and seek comfort or advice or both. Every detail of their life is not necessary for my daily knowledge. Every decision they make should not be under my scrutiny. There are questions that are off limits. And if I decide to tell you my "truths" they deserves full disclosure. When did it come acceptable for people to feel entitle to know every waking detail of another person's life. I am completely in awe of this new widely accepted notion because it is wrong. Boundaries are meant to be respected. Privacy is an inalienable right that should not be disregarded. It is sad that people have forgotten the true meaning of minding their business. And because that have forgotten they are not teaching the generations to come which mean that the children of our future are royally fucked.

10.25.2011

Love is a powerful thing. So powerful it can be overwelming. Whether it is a love for a friend or a significant other it is one of those things hard to let go once it is there. It may be a thin line between love and hate but that line may be long and strong. I've times wondered because the only way I know how to love anyone is hard and strong that it's a weakness. A parasite preying on the inner walls of my heart. Because I love so hard I am constantly hurt and let down by people who I have given my unconditional love to. It has gotten to a point where I refuse to let myself develop new friendships and new potential love interest. I feel damaged like a wrecking ball have broken my ability to want to feel the undeniable power of unconditional love. I have never wanted to close myself up but now I can't help it. I keep new people out and even other ppl that I have grown to love at a new found distance. I am walking in a new found terriorty that I am not used to. A coldness I am not welcoming but it has over taken my ability to fight it. I wonder am I alone in this feeling? Am I the only one dealing with this? This closed feeling. It's almost as overwelming as this love and the pain cause with the people that come with it. Maybe the key to true forgiveness is the forgetting part because with the memories you can experience the pain of the situation all over again. God isn't through with me yet and this revelation that I had compelled me to share. Leave your thought if you want.

Done

I don't want to be a cold person
but this freezer you have pushed me in
is building its ice prison around my heart
there used to be a comfortable silence between us
now nothing is comfortable about you
the burning sensation of loosing feeling in my heart keeps getting stronger
the numbest of life is stifling my thought process
depression is my friend
and happiness is my enemy
look what you've done to me
I've lost the key to lock on your prison already
my apologies to the next
my capability for love has an error
the spy wear is yet to fix it.
I hope you don't want much from me
The gifts I gave used to be so infinite
are scarce of the greediness of other people
and I am done.
I am closed.

A LETTER TO M.R.C.

My life is not a revolving door. You cannot choose when you want to be there. You either riding with me until the wheels fall off or you're not. This relationship we have with each other is a sickness. It's unhealthy because all you do is take and all I do is give. What happens when I have nothing left to give? What will you do then? I know that at times I must experience pain but must it be by your hand this time. Why do you keep pulling me closer as I try to push you away? I realize we will always be connected but that doesn't mean you get to overstep your boundaries. I will always love you and you take advantage of that. Does it give you power to break me down? You've cut me to do deep this time I am about to bleed out. But you won't save me because I think you enjoy this. This is a game to you? Is this funny to you? I bet you're laughing it up right now. You play with my emotions by saying you realize what you had in me but you treat me the same.... I am lost. Is this how this is supposed to be? You cut me down and I constantly pick myself up by myself. Where is my antibiotic to combat the drug you release into my system with every encounter? My immune systems is broken down. How many pieces will you break my heart into? How many times am I supposed to get over it? How do you love me when all you take pleasure in is finding new ways hurt me? You haunt me with every memory. You keep resurrecting the ghost of my past that I have laid to rest. I will forever be effected by the things you do. Just relinquish your power and..... Let me go.